Well mate, it's now been just over a week since your funeral and it still doesn't feel real. It still hasn't sunk in but I hope you're doing well up there.
I'm not even sure if I'm writing this about you or to you but I've got so much that I want to say, so here we go...
I'm sorry that I never got to see you before the end. After I came home, we should've seen each other and it'll probably never feel right that we didn't - I know you probably wouldn't want this but that will honestly be my biggest regret in life - I'll carry that forever... At least until we see each other again.
I keep playing it over and over in my head; how us seeing each other again would've gone. What I would've said to you, bringing you up to my room to see the new PC - you would love it!
I also keep thinking about when we were younger and staying at nanny's caravan. How we used to go down to the beach and we both hated walking over the dried-out seaweed or how happy we were when nanny got us both matching wetsuits haha. Going up to the wee shop near the entrance and buying loads of sweets and drinks then just walking around stuffing our faces. I don't think either of us got even a minute of sleep any time we shared a room, we always stayed up talking instead... I never would've guessed that I'd be reminiscing so much about that in my late twenties but man, do I wish I could reminisce about it with you right now.
You know, there's something else that I'd like to say - and this might not usually be the right place to say it, I don't know, but for the sake of honesty, I'll just carry on...
I've never been a very religious person. I'm not sure if I believe in Heaven or Hell or God and at times have even wondered if I'm just atheist... And yet, over the last couple of weeks, I've found myself saying the same thing to a lot of people: I hope that I'm wrong. I hope that I'm wrong and that when my time comes, I'll rock up to the big pearly gates and you'll be waiting for me. I'm sorry that you might be waiting a while because you're gone too soon - and it is far, far too soon but I keep trying to think of the fact that you're not struggling any more. You're no longer having to fight the demons every single day, you can finally rest... And those ideas - that you'll be there, waiting for me and we'll see each other again and you being at peace, in a better place - gives me at least a little bit of comfort in these trying times.
Anyway, that's enough of the existentialism! I've just got a few more things that I want to say, then I'll wrap it up before the readers get bored.
Your funeral was great mate - I think we gave you a very good send-off. There was no issues with anything - everything went as smoothly as it could have possibly gone and I'm very glad that I got to help carry you to your final resting place. It's an honour. You also looked incredibly handsome and very well-groomed. So many people turned up to see you, some even had to stand because we ran out of seats! You'll be glad to know, there were many tears... So you got your wish haha.
I'm going to wrap this up now because I could honestly go on talking about you (or to you) all day.
I'd like to end this with a message about Josh to anyone who's reading this - whether you knew Josh or not, whether you're reading this today or in the future - perhaps even after I, myself, am gone...
Josh was my cousin, although he always felt more like a brother to me and there was less than 1 year age difference between us. He was my best friend and he was a genuinely good person. He didn't have a single bad bone in his body and was able to make friends with anyone he wanted - it didn't matter who they were or where he was, he got along with everybody and everybody got along with him. He was funny and caring and kind, he loved music and animals and his family - and his family love him, always, and I promise you this; the world was a little bit brighter with him in it.
I am devastated and I will remember him forever, I will love him forever and I will miss him forever.
And I very much look forward to seeing him again.
I love you.
X
Thursday 07 March 2024
Cousin Jack xx
A dearly loved and very missed nephew of aunt Karen and uncle Paul.
"I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one.
I'd like to leave an afterglow of smiles when life is done.
I'd like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways,
Of happy times and laughing times and bright and sunny days.
I'd like the tears of those who grieve, to dry before the sun;
Of happy memories that I leave when life is done."
Love and miss you always, forever in our hearts xxx
Wednesday 06 March 2024
Aunt Karen & Uncle Paul
Much loved and dearly missed nephew of Lisa and Tommy.
I needed more time. The end came too fast. I needed more time. I needed more time to memorise your face and more time listening to your laugh. I needed a thousand tomorrow's and a thousand I love you's. I needed more time.'
Love you forever, my beautiful boy xxx
Thursday 22 February 2024
Aunt Lisa and Uncle Tommy